My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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