this boner is exhausting
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
