I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
