____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
