If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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