did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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