i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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