I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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