Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize