We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
