went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
