Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
