I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
