my vag is so smooth its legendary
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
