i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
