She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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