burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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