you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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