Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
