is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
