Got a toothbrush?
we made out on top of his cat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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