I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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