I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
