watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize