Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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