Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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