so let's talk penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
