i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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