I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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