i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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