Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
