Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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