elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
