my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
