I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
