On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize