and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize