I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
