Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
