I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
