Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
