that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
