I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
