i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
