Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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