The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
