she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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