She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
