we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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