My underwear smells like fireworks.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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