Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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