I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
