Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
