i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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