my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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