if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
