Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
