made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
