Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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