you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
