After last night, I could never be a politician.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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