Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
