I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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