I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
