I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
