Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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