she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
