if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize