i always forget guys have bellybuttons
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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