no, he came in my armpit
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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