I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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